There are certain things in this life that I have accepted I will never understand.
First things first, does anyone honestly know what “cookies” are? (The computer kind, obviously, the bakery version is self-explanatory – and far superior). For the last 10 years of my existence, whether browsing a suspect or credible website, I have been “accepting cookies”. What are said cookies, how are they enabled, am I being hacked, is my identity being stolen, etc.…
Another thing I will never understand is the toe ring. The idea of jewelry on my toes makes me physically nauseous.
One-way mirrors. How is one side reflecting and the other transparent? Witchcraft that I care not to investigate.
Calling people on the phone. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the concept of a phone call until I sat down with my coffee and thought about it for more than 10 seconds. I don’t have a clue how this works. Fax machines are similarly dumbfounding.
Space. Next. I don’t want to think about this one.
DVDs. How does that little disc have Shrek inside? Where is he?
And of course, today’s star of the show and my constant nightmare to research, cryptocurrency. But just because I have accepted that I will never understand crypto, it doesn’t mean that you must acquiesce to the same fate. (Or even if against my will I do end up understanding it, I will pretend I don’t to maintain my rep. English lit majors should not engage in such futuristic debauchery).
I figured it was time to make a little crypto dictionary so my lazy future self can send you here for definitions that I don’t feel like rewriting…
Investing in crypto requires an interest in video games, a fondness for basements, an appetite for risk and a whole new vocabulary. (The video game and basement part are facetious, sort of).
Here’s your beginner’s guide to popular crypto lingo.
1. Bitcoin
If you haven’t heard of bitcoin, you probably don’t own a phone or computer or television in which case you wouldn’t be reading this anyway. To distill it for those of us who recognize the word Bitcoin in the same vein that we’ve heard of “cookies”, which is to say, have no idea what it is…Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency created in 2009 by an unknown person (or people) using the alias Satoshi Nakamoto. (I made this list alphabetical, scroll down for more on “Satoshi Nakamoto”).
Unlike traditional currencies such as the US dollar, bitcoin isn’t controlled by a bank or government. Bitcoin is widely considered the most valuable and popular cryptocurrency in use today.
2. Blockchain
Blockchain is the key technology underpinning most cryptocurrencies (such as the nightmares of Bitcoin, Dogecoin, Ethereum, and the like), NFTs (more on those later) and other unique digital items. The tech allows digital information to be distributed, but not copied. Meaning, each individual piece of data can only have one owner.
Blockchain can be used to store all kinds of information, but so far, its most common use is in recording cryptocurrency transactions. Once a transaction is made, it’s entered on this public ledger, which is managed by a global peer-to-peer network.
Blockchain is fundamental to the appeal of cryptocurrency: As a decentralized database, it can’t be controlled by any one person or group (rah-rah, power to the people, all that good stuff). This is different from a fiat currency such as the US dollar, which is managed by a central bank.
Read “Blockchain to Ethereum to NFT: The Creation Story We Never Wanted”
3. Buy the f****ing dip (BTFD)
Enter finance bros and douchebags alike. This is a rallying cry for crypto bulls that urges investors to buy coins when prices drop.
4. Coinbase
The leading cryptocurrency exchange platform. The company went public in April, an event that many viewed as a turning point in the story of cryptocurrencies’ journey into the mainstream marketplace.
Read “How to Buy Cryptocurrency. (In Canada). (Eh).” for more on crypto exchanges.
5. Cryptocurrency
The woman of the hour! Cryptocurrency is an all-digital money system made up of “coins” or “tokens” that are controlled by a decentralized ledger. (I feel like I did really well with this one, very succinct).
6. Dogecoin
As with everything absurd on the internet, this was taken 100 steps too far. Dogecoin began as a joke based on the “doge” meme in 2013 and spiraled into an unexpected heavy hitter in the crypto industry. Dogecoin is unlikely to stand the test of time, but it almost doesn’t matter. Elon Musk is currently pushing the price of Dogecoin around with Twitter, and anything he says tends to raise or lower the coin’s price. My wildly unsolicited advice: stay away with a 10-foot pole. Then again, I hate crypto.
7. Elon Musk
The square-headed Tesla CEO whose tweets have been known to spark rallies in cryptocurrencies such as bitcoin and dogecoin.
For more unsolicited opinion on the richest man in the world…
Read “Just billionaire things”
Read “Elon Musk’s Space Capitalism: Reason 1 of 1000 why I can’t sleep at night”
Read “Reality Check, Elon Musk is not our Lord, or Savior”
8. Ethereum
An open-source blockchain-based software that controls the cryptocurrency Ether.
9. FUD
In crypto lingo, because the use of complete words is apparently far too exhausting for tech people, FUD is an acronym for “fear, uncertainty, doubt”. It is commonly used in the cryptocurrency community to describe negative information about a blockchain based currency or asset. Wikipedia calls it a “propaganda tactic” but that felt dramatic.
Used in a sentence: “Dude, stop spreading FUD about dogecoin”.
10. HODL
Depending on whom you ask, this is either a typo that stuck or an abbreviation of “hold on for dear life.” Bitcoin bulls often tweet “HODL” as a reaction to FUD. And we watch the beauty of the English language disintegrate before our eyes…
The ancient typo lore dates to a 2013 post on the forum bitcointalk titled, “I AM HODLING.” In it, an apparently drunk bitcoin investor ranted about holding onto the crypto even as it fell drastically. Memes were created, and the term became a shorthand for an investment strategy.
11. Mining
I didn’t think the concept of mining could be more mind-numbing than my Grade 7 field trip to Britannia Mine Museum where we were forced to learn about the gold rush. Turns out I was wrong.
Cryptocurrency mining is the complicated process by which new “coins” are entered into circulation. Mining is not for amateur enthusiasts: It requires high-powered computers that solve complex mathematical puzzles to create a new “block” on the blockchain. (Exciting stuff!!)
The mining process eats up a lot of computing power and electricity, which has led to concerns about cryptocurrency’s environmental impact.
12. NFT
Non-fungible tokens, or NFTs, are pieces of digital content linked to the Ethereum blockchain. “Non-fungible” essentially means one-of-a-kind, something that can’t be replaced, unlike, for example, a dollar bill that you can replace with any other dollar bill. In the simplest terms, NFTs transform digital works of art and other collectibles into one-of-a-kind, verifiable assets.
Read “What is an NFT and Can Somebody Make it Go Away”
13. Satoshi Nakamoto
The pseudonym that refers to the person (or people) who invented bitcoin. Their real identity remains unknown.
An extremely reliable website titled “cryptopotato.com” explains that in 2008 the anonymous “Satoshi” published a paper titled: Bitcoin: “A Peer-to-Peer Electronic Cash System.” The Bitcoin whitepaper explains the problem with centralized electronic payment systems like banks and financial institutions while also proposing how a tamper-proof, decentralized peer-to-peer protocol solves the issue.
14. Satoshis, aka “Sats”
The smallest unit of bitcoin ever recorded on the blockchain, equal to one one-millionth of a bitcoin. I don’t really understand this either. Investopedia explains it here.
15. Wallet
Like the physical thing you carry your cash and cards in, but a far less cute digital version where you store your digital currency. The main thing you need to know about wallets is that you must never, ever lose or forget your password.
Until next week.