There are two words in the English language that you will never hear me say consecutively: can’t complain. Can’t complain! Who on this earth literally can’t complain?! What possible concoction of drugs are you taking to live in such a euphoric bliss that you can’t complain? Follow up question, can I have some? (I’ll pay).
In this present moment, I could riff off at least 10 things to complain about if I so chose. And I do so choose. Because, as my mother would say, I am a complainer.
- My coffee is lukewarm.
- I stubbed my pinkie toe on the edge of my kitchen counter.
- I have neck pain. At age 25. Neck pain.
- A siren just went off and made me forget this next point.
- I have to feel guilty about complaining that my coffee is lukewarm and I stubbed my toe and I have neck pain and a siren disrupted my thinking because there are things like climate change and the Russia-Ukraine war and the opioid epidemic that are far more important and how privileged am I to complain about lukewarm coffee…
- Will Smith won an Oscar just ten minutes after assaulting a man and “dignified” people in “dignified” outfits applauded. (Don’t come at me – that whole thing sucked).
- I am about to write an article on how to buy cryptocurrency.
- Meaning I have to research how to buy cryptocurrency.
- Meaning the next several hours of my life will consist of minor irritation and death of the ego as I realize I am not as smart as I think I am.
- Because try as I may, I am always f*cking dumbfounded by cryptocurrency.
Lucky for me, my complaints were answered (this is how manifestation works people). One of my coworkers who is not at all dumbfounded by cryptocurrency wrote this article already. He is far more qualified, so you should probably just click that link and read his. On the off chance you’re interested in rambling metaphors, some of which will make sense, some of which won’t, continue reading below…
Joseph’s 4 Steps to Getting into Crypto (it’s not plagiarism if you cite the author, right?)
PSA: We all know cryptocurrency is volatile, like my sister (this is my favorite metaphor, and I will never cease to use it), so please, don’t take my word for anything. I don’t have the mental wherewithal to be receiving emails asking why so and so lost all their money in Dogecoin. One, because I already suffer from minor anxiety and tend to stress about the financial situation of strangers. And two, because I probably won’t know the answer.
1. Level of Involvement
If you’re reading this article then, in Joseph’s words, “most of your cryptocurrency usage is going to be speculative.” I don’t mean to pigeonhole my readers, but if you happen to be a coder with a knack for ‘utilizing smart contracts’ or ‘building decentralized applications’, I’d highly recommend taking your attention elsewhere. Because I don’t really know what either of those things mean.
Sidebar: Wtf is a smart contract? “A self-executing contract with the terms of the agreement between buyer and seller being directly written into lines of code”. In clearer words, it’s a computerized transaction that cuts out the middleman. It’s cool because it ensures transactions are traceable, transparent, irreversible, and immediate.
(Thank god – no more coders are reading now).
So, my lovely people and crypto beginners, you are thinking about picking up some Bitcoin or Ethereum? First things first (after research, of course). So, actually… Second things second, you’ll have to choose the right exchange…
2. Shopping for your Cryptocurrency Exchange
In shopping for a crypto exchange, there’s a little trade-off between education and price. The more education you have, the less you are going to pay to invest in crypto. It feels like there is a really beautiful metaphor wrapped in here, but I am a too hungover to mine it out….
To determine if an exchange is right for you, it is important to look at the trading fees, security, and history of the exchange…But who has the time to do all that research? (Joseph. The answer is Joseph).
Avoid:
- Coincurve (8% trading fee – really this is robbery)
- Coinberry (3% trading fee – still too high)
*Joseph says that using these exchanges is a rookie mistake. And no one likes a rookie.
Recommended (for my beginners):
- WealthSimple Crypto (1.5-2% trading fee)
- Coinsmart (0.2% trading fee)
These platforms are user-friendly, have 24/7 customer support, and don’t rob you when it comes to trading fees.
*There are more advanced platforms out there with top-notch security, but I cannot for the life of me understand how to use them. Again, if you are not a finance novice, I suggest you take your readership elsewhere.
3. Shopping for your Wallet!
In his article, Joseph wrote a line that I imagine to be the opening of a movie, underscored with ominous instrumental music. Potentially starring Denzel Washington. Or Bryan Cranston.
“There are only two types of exchanges: those that have been hacked and those that will be hacked…”
Keeping your investments on an exchange is a big no-no. In order to keep your crypto safe, you have to find a wallet (and no, unfortunately this does not refer to the fun vintage leather kind).
There are two types of wallets, (but one is preferable to the other, again, according to Joseph).
Wallet Option 1: Software
This type of wallet is a phone or computer application (told you, lame). It requires a minimum of two different types of information to get into and can be fun for the investor looking to buy some crypto with their morning coffee and sell it with their evening wine.
However, as aforementioned, anything online can be hacked so leaving your money with a third-party wallet provider seems quite similar to just leaving it on an exchange.
Plus, we don’t have Canadian Deposit Insurance like the banks do so…if you’re hacked you’re, for lack of a better word, screwed.
Pro to software wallet: More functions and better convenience
Con to software wallet: More security risk
Wallet Option 2: Hardware
This is basically just an encrypted USB stick. Think of it as an intensive, password protected safe for your investments.
Joseph’s shopping list:
Pro to hardware wallet: Very secure
Con to hardware wallet: Less convenient and timely
4. Regulations and Humdrum Legalities
Cryptocurrency, in the scheme of history, is a newborn baby. As such, there is lots of learning and rolling around it needs to do to find its place in the world.
I’ve been told that the above recommended exchanges are “compliant with the spate of regulations from Ottawa regarding how exchanges should operate.” This includes the…
Know Your Customer and Anti-Money Laundering Regulations (you’d think they could come up with something more concise). This just means you must give your information over to the exchange via driver’s license or passport so the exchange can give your information over to the government upon request)
If you’re feeling chaotic, you can choose to go with a global cryptocurrency exchange. (You should check in to see if you’re bank is cool with this and will allow business with said exchange. On that note, it would be smart to look at the list of exchanges your bank accepts prior to jumping in headfirst).
The fear here is that you may be able to “fund your KuCoin account from your bank account or credit card today, but there’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to extract funds from it tomorrow”. This is another quote from Joseph. And no, he’s not making up the term KuCoin.
Anyway, this is all ever changing and ever convoluted and ever dumbfounding.
Until next week. Thanks Joseph.
