The New Yorker published an article on May 1st, 2017, that I will forever hold in the highest league of literary non-fiction. “I Am A Tinder Guy Holding A Fish And I Will Provide For You” is a disturbingly accurate depiction of modern day, online-dating. It chronicles the subtext behind those 6 photos we use to determine the question that now (bleakly) marks a generation:
To Swipe Right or To Swipe Left?
For context:
Photo No. 1
Behold my mackerel.
I have caught it for you and it is for you to eat. Love me, for I shall fill your dinner table with many fish such as this one in the days to come. During our time together, you will never go hungry or fear famine. You will never want for trout, salmon, or otherwise. I will sustain you with my love and with my fish.
The Berkshire Hathaway annual shareholders meeting returned to a live, in-person format for 2022, after a 2-year pandemic hiatus moved the so-called “Woodstock for Capitalists” online. (An aside: Woodstock for Capitalists would be an iconic party theme, just throwing it out there).
What is an annual shareholders meeting, you ask? The technical definition: An event for financial nerds and rich people alike to come together and vote on how the company is going to make them even more rich.
What is Berkshire Hathaway, you ask? The multi-billion-dollar company at which Warren Buffett is the CEO.
Tens of thousands of Buffett devotees gathered in Omaha, Nebraska to hear from the legend himself, and it got me thinking, naturally, about what his tinder profile might look like.
At 91-years-old, I imagine the dating pool is far shallower than it used to be, even for a multi-billionaire. If Buffet were keen to find his 3rd wife, I imagine the Oracle of Omaha’s Tinder profile would look a little something like this.
Photo No. 1:
Buffett in distressed Levi’s (the true kind of distressed, the kind you get from living on this earth for 91-years, not the fake rip in the knee kind) standing at the barbecue, holding a bottle of Bud (subtle flex to him being a large shareholder of Anheuser-Busch, the biggest US brewer – owner of Budweiser and Michelob). This product placement is a cute nod to his billionaire-status without it being tacky.
The slow-paced burger and brew type of pic aligns flawlessly with Buffett’s whole modus operandi: buy and hold.
At the shareholders meeting Buffett extolled the virtues of stock buybacks for shareholders, pointing out that Berkshire’s stake in American Express had grown to about 20%, from 11%, over the years—without Berkshire buying any additional stock!! (Exclamation points used to enhance the excitement of stock buybacks!)
“Imagine you owned a farm and had 640 acres, farmed it every year, made a little money on it, enjoyed farming, and somehow 20 years later it turned into 1,100 or 1,200 acres,” Buffett said. “If you do it at the right price, there’s nothing better than buying back part of your own business.”
Women love an intelligent, yet folksy anecdote.
Photo No. 2:
Buffett with the boys. He is standing on stage at the recent shareholders meeting flanked by Berkshire’s three vice chairmen—Munger, Greg Abel, and Ajit Jain.
No one trusts a man who has no friends. And no one trusts a man with no recent photos (women will wonder what has happened to the hairline or waist area if you only upload pictures circa 1999 and earlier). This is a two birds one stone kind of pic.
Upon entrance at the shareholders meeting, a jovial Buffett received a standing ovation and immediately began cracking jokes: “You don’t hear that kind of welcome for the index funds,” he quipped.
“The two of us are 190 years old,” Buffett added, referring to himself, 91, and Munger, 98. (We love a self-aware man).
This may be a controversial opinion but, in my experience, women don’t like men who are too nice. It’s suspicious. Luckily, Buffet and his BFF Charlie Munger put that fear to rest.
Buffett and Munger addressed what they called “gambling” in the stock market, including high-frequency trading, options strategies, and other speculative behavior. The Oracle of Omaha explained how this can lead to short-term swings in prices that are buying opportunities for Berkshire, “Sometimes markets do crazy things,” Buffett said. “That’s good for Berkshire, not because we’re smart…but because we’re sane.”
Buffett and Munger also took several swipes at Robinhood Markets investment bankers and active investment managers whose portfolios closely resemble broad market indexes and other Wall Street businesses. After bringing up Robinhood’s business troubles, Munger added that the company’s business model “was disgusting… God is getting just. …There’s been some justice.”
(This article is about Tinder, not Robinhood, so if you are unfamiliar with the scandal you can read more here.)
Photo No. 3:
Buffett is seen wearing boxing gloves and exercising at the gym.
Nobody wants to start a relationship with a half-dead man. By this I mean someone who really can’t do anything or say anything because they are so old. This photo shows that he cares about his health and wellness.
At the Berkshire Hathaway meeting, Buffett argued that if all the attendees in the room owned “all the farmland in the United States” or “all the apartments in the country” and they offered him a 1% stake for $25 billion, he would write them a check on the spot. But he wouldn’t do the same for bitcoin and its over $700 billion market cap. He furthered…
“If you owned all the bitcoin in the world and you offered it to me for $25, I wouldn’t take it…Because what would I do with it? I’ll have to sell it back to you one way or another. It isn’t going to do anything.”
Addendum: I don’t mean to discriminate in terms of dating apps…If this were Hinge, Buffett would have to respond to a series of cringey prompts so his potential partner could get a sense of his “personality”. This would include:
· I’ve never touched an Xbox controller, but I am the largest shareholder of Activision Blizzard
· I think the energy sector is cool. Chevron is our 4th largest holding. I’m talking about the gas place, not the pattern.
· Hot take: The influx of new traders buying and selling stocks during the pandemic has turned the market into “almost totally a casino” in which large American companies have become “poker chips.”
Photo No. 4:
A cute family photo with his 3 children in the backyard.
As much as a little fortitude is necessary, everyone has a soft spot for a family man. This will never not be endearing.
In speaking of stability, Buffett commented on the state of the US economy, most notably the inflation that’s soared to 40-year highs.
Buffett believes that the best defense against inflation is to be skilled at what you do, and to produce a good or service that will remain in demand which people will be willing to pay for.
“The best protection against inflation is your own personal earning power…No one can take your talent away from you,” Buffett said. “If you do something valuable and good for society, it doesn’t matter what the U.S. dollar does.”
Photo No. 5:
An image of Buffett placing a ballot in his local voting box.
Exercising the right to vote and participating in the democratic process is a 101 essential on how to be a good citizen, no matter your political stance. (I’m kidding, obviously, Trump voters are reprehensible). But Buffett, though middling, has claimed to be a Dem, so no massive red flag there.
The first question of the afternoon session at the Berkshire Hathaway meeting had to do with companies engaging in the political realm—and whether they should take official stances on controversial issues.
“I don’t put my citizenship in a blind trust when I take the job as CEO of Berkshire,” Buffett said. “But I’ve also learned that you can make a whole lot more people sustainably mad, than temporarily happy, on a variety of subjects.”
People who get upset may take it out on Berkshire’s subsidiaries and employees, Buffett noted, which isn’t fair to those workers. “I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer is ‘No,’” Buffett said.
(I’m not totally on board with this logic, but to each his own).
Photo No. 6:
A black and white photo of the See’s Candies peanut brittle woman, Mary See.
Above all else, humor and self-awareness are critical in finding a date, boyfriend, partner or what have you. At the shareholders meeting, Buffett held up a box of See’s Candies peanut brittle. He spoke about Mary See, whose black-and-white image adorns See’s merchandise. She passed away in 1939.
“A lot of people think this is me in drag, but that’s not true,” Buffett said. “There’s a resemblance, but these rumours are started by our competitors.”
*Big aside on Roe v Wade because if I start, I’ll go on forever. Just want to give a quick shout out to all the mediocre men (and women) calling getting kicked off Twitter a violation of their rights while they support the state and its efforts to force women to give birth at gunpoint. Conservatives in America would be hilarious if they weren’t sociopathic fascist assholes.
Happy Monday! Until next week x