Personally, I believe that men are inherently unable to read.
(Have you ever sent a man a shopping list with clear instructions only for him to return home with nothing you asked for?). However, if we are to believe The Internet, the Modern woman no longer wants someone to wow her with casually recited poetry and philosophical theory; what she wants is a partner with the literacy level of a 9-year-old.
(Obviously, women don’t actually want partners who are literally illiterate — how would they read our texts? — but more and more women on the internet seem to be over the idea of dating men who are traditionally intelligent).
Ex) the key is to date people who can barely read
— crissy (@crissymilazzo)
Ex) I always feel so betrayed when a guy tells me he saw my tweet about him….it’s like why didn’t you tell me you can read…
— rachel (@rachel_sennot)
A theory: As women continue to gain more independence both socially and financially, it’s arguable that they have grown tired of their partners playing devil’s advocate in regard to abortion rights with them over dinner. Maybe we don’t want to discuss that 10,000-word essay in the New Yorker you sent us about prison abolition. Maybe we don’t want someone who scoffs at Love Island and “pontificates” (and would use the word “pontificate”): “why would anyone enjoy watching these brain-dead idiots with plastic surgery parade around all day?”. Maybe, just maybe, we are looking for something a little different – a simpler life spent alongside a man, who can’t read.
(To my Editor: I know this seems off-base, but I promise it tracks).
If I have learned anything during this year at Equity.Guru, it is that I can make a metaphor out of everything and that we want our financial situation the same as our men: simple.
So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you all to DRIP: the financial equivalent of the hot dummy.
DRIP is an acronym for Dividend Reinvestment Plan. This sounds long and trying but is in fact, the exact opposite. Out of sheer laziness and narcissism, I will quote myself:
“Dividends are like the grandparent who always slips you a $20 after you’ve gone over for dinner. When you invest in a stock, certain companies will give you part of their profits in proportion to the total number of shares held. It is a sort of quarterly or annual money gift to say, thank you for owning our shares ‘long-term’ and also please keep investing in us.”
Breaking it down:
The word DRIP (unlike every other acronym in the financial industry) is actually helpful in describing how the plan works: the cash dividends that an investor receives from a company are reinvested to purchase more stock, making the investment in the company grow little by little.
Normally when dividends are paid, they are received by shareholders as a check or direct deposit into their bank account. DRIPs, in turn, give shareholders the option of reinvesting the amount of a declared dividend into additional shares, which are bought directly from the company.
Think of it like an automated savings plan. Instead of getting quarterly sums that you’ll inevitably blow on iced matcha lattes with coconut milk, that money will instead go back into your current investment, ultimately making more money on your money.
Why we love it:
- DRIPs use a technique called dollar-cost averaging:
This is another unnecessarily complicated sounding phrase that just refers to averaging out the price at which you buy stock as it moves up or down over a long period. You are never buying the stock right at its peak or at its low with dollar-cost averaging. - DRIPs offer a bargain:
Because shares purchased through a DRIP typically come from the company’s own reserve, they are not marketable through stock exchanges. And since I love a bargain (I manage to say this in every single article), most DRIPs allow investors to buy shares commission-free or for a nominal fee, and at a significant discount to the current share price. (Many companies offer shares at a discount through their DRIP ranging from 1 to 10 percent off the current share price). - DRIPs cost less in taxes:
The price discount combined with no trading commissions allow investors to lower their cost basis for owning a company’s shares. (Cost basis is just the original value of an asset – usually the purchase price – for tax purposes). As a result, DRIPs can help investors save money on buying additional shares of stock, versus if they had bought them on the open market. - The miracle of compounding:
Long-term, the biggest advantage of DRIPs is the effect of automatic reinvestment on the compounding of returns. I don’t really feel like explaining compounding so you can read about it here. And in any case, the attraction of the DRIP is its simple nature. So, don’t hurt your head over it.
The fine print:
- Dividends reinvested into DRIPs are still considered taxable income
- When investors who purchased shares via a DRIP want to sell those shares, they must sell them back to the company directly. In other words, the shares are not sold on the open market via a broker. Instead, a request to sell the shares must be made with the company, whereby the company will, in turn, redeem the shares at the prevailing stock price.
Maybe we want to be with ‘dumber’ men because we are all so tired (in the same way we are attracted to the simplistic investment strategy). If you, like me, spend half your waking life in online hell, half-digesting the unbaked thoughts of thousands upon thousands of people purporting to be giving definitive and correct opinions on everything in the world with absolutely nothing in the way of qualification – then you probably don’t want to spend your downtime in fear of an impromptu intellectual discussion about the finer points of Kantian ethics. Some of us are still trying to have some fun before we die and, I’m sorry, the academic man is very rarely fun. This is, after all, the age of the Dumb Bitch, and what she wants is a financial plan that takes no effort, and a man who can’t read.