When a cannabis company loses a lot of money every quarter, and has to sell real estate, cancel acquisitions, lay off staff, renegotiate existing financing to higher interest rates and offer stock to new financiers at a discount to the market price, all to stay afloat, one might expect their newsflow to show bold new moves, innovation, maybe some hard austerity decisions.
At MedMen (MMEN.C), you get this:
Sweat Yoga, a hot yoga studio with locations in Santa Monica, Playa Vista Westlake Village and Little Tokyo, will partner with MedMen for their Sunday night Yin class at all four of their locations during January and February. Following class, attendees will have the opportunity to sample Positivi-Tea from Kikoko, as well as Releaf balm from Papa and Barkley. MedMen yoga mats will be provided for use during class.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
RAISE THE PRICE TARGET IMMEDIATELY!
Man, if these financial wiz-kids have somehow managed to infiltrate the local spin class market, we’ll know they’re REALLY on to something.
Cycle House, LA’s premier indoor cycling studio located in West Hollywood, will partner with MedMen for two rides in January, including the last ride of their “Hell Week” with master instructor Nichelle Hines. Following class, participants will be provided samples of Papa and Barkley’s Releaf balm.
WHAT? Two rides?! Releaf balm handouts?! Dogs and cats living together! Pandemonium!
THE FINANCIAL DISASTER HAS BEEN AVERTED!
But wait, is there more?
Oraya Movement, located in West Hollywood, will host a first to market Breathwork, Pilates and Yoga workshop on January 19th. Following this unique experience, Kikoko will provide samples of their Positivi-Tea.
CALL MY BROKER IMMEDIATELY!
Don’t you even tell me they’re tackling the fitness boxing world because I don’t think my heart could take it.
Box Union, a fitness boxing class, will partner with MedMen at their Robertson Blvd location during their popular Saturday morning class featuring their top instructors, Tara and Justin, on January 11th and 25th. Guests will be invited to sample Papa and Barkley’s Releaf balm following each class.
There better be a fucking blog post about this somewhere because that would be lit, fam, and would certainly bring in fat revenue!
MedMen’s “New Year, New You” program will also be covered extensively on Ember, MedMen’s digital editorial platform. Ember is high culture for all, providing a point of view on style, wellness, food, and travel through a cannabis filtered lens.
How you gonna count all that money, MedMen? By my count, you’ll have given tea, balm, free use of branded yoga mats and ‘high culture editorial content’ to over 90 people by the time all is said and done.
That will put a serious dent in the $82 million you lost last quarter.
You fucking nimrods.
— Chris Parry
FULL DISCLOSURE: They’re for real total fucking nimrods.