Markets:

Beijing, China – March 29 2019 US Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin concluded “an 8th round of meetings” with Chinese VP Liu He, concerning the on-going trade war between the U.S. and China.

The same day, the Shanghai Composite Index jumped 3.2% to 3,090 while the Shenzhen component surged 3.77% to 9,906.

The CSI300 index, which tracks big-cap companies on China’s mainland saw gains of 3.86% to finish at 3,872.

This week, the two sides discussed “relevant texts of agreement,” according to the China Daily – a government sponsored English language newspaper.

Mr. Mnuchin is most famous for causing US stock market jitters when he called the CEOs of six major banks to confirm that they had “ample liquidity available for lending” – which is like calling an ice-cream store to see if they carry chilled deserts.

Mnuchin is attempting to reverse out of Trump’s disastrous China trade policy which has seen the U.S. goods trade deficit increase 18% since 2016 and the 2018 budget deficit increased to a whopping $891 billion.

China reacted to U.S. trade tensions by lowering the value of its currency 10%, entirely offsetting the impacts of Trump’s tariffs.

After a 2018 slump, the Chinese markets have been rocking in 2019. The Shanghai composite is up 24% this year, while the Shenzhen component is up 36%.

Observing China in financial “negotiations” with Trump and Mnuchin is like watching Noam Chomsky debate generative semantics with Snoop Dog.

It’s not a fair fight.

Media:

Bao, China – This week at the Boao Forum for Asia, China vowed to make it easier for foreign investors to make money in China, promising them the same protections as domestic investors.

The country will amend its negative lists for overseas investment.

The negative list identifies areas where foreign investment is prohibited or restricted.  All sectors not included on the “negative list” are presumed to be open.

The automotive sector is changing so that “foreign companies can now set up more than two joint ventures manufacturing the same kind of vehicle in China.”

That’s good news for Elon Musk, the CEO of Tesla (TSLA.NASDAQ) who was recently in Shanghai to open Tesla’s first large-scale manufacturing plant outside the U.S., with targeted production early 2020.

“The negative lists will be shortened,” confirmed Premier Li Keqiang at the Boao Forum for Asia on Thursday. “We will ensure fair competition and common development for Chinese and foreign companies with fair supervision.”

Patent laws are also being changed in China, sharply increasing penalties for patent law violators.

“Such an optimized market will inspire us to expand our footprint in China,” stated Leif Johansson, chairman of global biopharmaceutical giant AstraZeneca.

China, perhaps ironically, is the most capitalistic country on the planet, with a total of 88 “unicorns”.

A unicorn refers to a technology start-up that has been established for less than 10 years but has a valuation of more than $1 billion and has not been listed on the stock market.

Madness:

North Americans love sticking things up their butts.

According to the National Electronic Injury Surveillance System, there are 3,500 emergency room (ER) visits every year due to “foreign bodies stuck in a rectum.”

A reddit forum for medical professionals who have treated anal-intrusions relates numerous horror stories.

“One patient admitted he slipped his daughter’s Barbie doll up his ass, when we did the x-ray we saw Barbie – her arms were straight up and hair was everywhere and it looked like she was having a grand time!” recounted one poster.

“Dude was found laying face down on his couch, completely naked, with a fish tail sticking out from between his cheeks,” recounted another medical professional, “All he said was, ‘It was frozen when it went in.’  LOL – the fish thawed up his ass and the scales made it so he couldn’t pull it back out.”

An 11-year-old boy in East China’s Zhejiang Province has upped the game – jamming “70 pea-sized magnetic marbles into his penis.”

Urologist Tao Chang, at a local children’s hospital was startled after examining the 11-year-old boy who complained of bellyache.

An x-ray showed the tiny marbles had made its way down the boy’s urethra and into his bladder.

The embarrassed boy was coaxed into admitting that he had inserted the marbles himself.

Apparently, this is not uncommon in Zhejiang – the 5th richest province in China ($18,000 per person GDP), known for its textile factories.

Dr. Tao stated that he had recently treated young Chinese boys with electric wires and ear picks pushed into their penises.

“These marbles are popular with children but they can also be quite dangerous,” stated Tao’s colleague, Gao Zhigang.

Using “minimally invasive surgery”, Tao inserted a cystoscope into the boy’s abdomen to remove the brightly coloured marbles.

Written By:

Lukas Kane

Lukas Kane was previously the CEO of a North American investment news syndicate. He was also the Communication Director for a consortium of publicly traded companies. A Senior Writer at Equity.Guru, Mr. Kane writes about mining, cannabis, energy, technology and biotech.

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