So how do you want to handle the next few years of political madness and megalomania? War might be around the corner, revolution not far behind, and they may even try to take our weed away, if we’re not careful.

Will you try to make a positive impact on the world through investment?  Will you throw your weight behind the big dog that eats first? Or will you just pull the covers over your head and have some creature comfort to drown out the noisy uncertainty outside your bedroom?

Really, who needs this complicated shit when there’s internet porn? Mining is hard work, but sex is fun. You can stay In bed, get the endorphins going, relieve stress, feel generally better about life, the universe and everything for a 2-25 minute stretch… not bad, not bad.  But is it profitable as an investment?

Not unless you are holding a roster of deep pocketed clientele for whom you perform various and sundry acts of a sticky nature.  Stock wise?  Sex is awful. Or perhaps I should rephrase that- the “sexy” aspects of sex, aka the sex itself, the promise of sex, the titillation, the act, the promise of the act, doesn’t do much outside of the bedroom. Or public restroom.

Maybe throwing a publicly-traded adult entertainment club owner like RCI Hospitality Holdings (RICK:NASDAQ), which is presently wriggling around $17.71, looks cool on the portfolio, but I don’t know if this particular wild ride is as good as the real thing. Its not even that wild these days, just… sustaining itself. Hell, sex shouldn’t be that boring.

Rick’s runs over forty topless cabaret establishments across the US, making it the equivalent of a publicly-traded biker club, without the leathers and side drug trade. Among the companmy highlights on its website is the statement, “Anna Nicole Smith met her oil billionaire husband while dancing at Rick’s Cabaret,” so if that’s not incentive to invest, I don’t know what is.

You want to make some money from sex-related stocks? Stick with condoms.  If you can navigate the vagaries of the Asian stock market, try Karex Berhad (KAREX BHD). The world’s largest condom producer is presently at a low point, not great on the face but an appealing entry opportunity (wow, that pun was truly not intended at the outset but I’m calling it on purpose now).

The company is a steady producer and innovator in the condom industry and as uncertain financial times come into play with a recession predicted within the next two years, family planning will be a big factor and these guys have the history and brands to play.

If getting in on a Malaysian stock is too much of a logistical headache, forget the baggies and stick to the boners.  Eli Lilly (LLY) has been wavering in the $73’s and Pfizer (PFE), whew, Pfizer’s at a tantalizing low of $32.48, but never underestimate man’s desire for a night of tumescent effort and the effect that can have on purchase power.

Of course, both companies face imminent patent expirations on Cialis and Viagra respectively, and with the generic versions ready and set to go on the market between now (Cialis) and 2020 (Viagra), these have not been the main profit drivers of either company for some time.

What is worth your time is a backdrop of of diverse health care drug development, particularly in the areas of cancer and Alzheimer treatment being pursued by both firms in addition to over-the-counter versions of their weiner power pills. Cancer’s not particularly sexy, but companies with lots of irons in the fire can upswing quickly and, especially in Pfizer’s case, it might be a good time to get in while the getting is good.

But sex? Meh. You want to invest, invest. You want to rail her like a lumberjack, drop the pants and go at it. One appears to be much more rewarding than the other, in this sector.


Burning things is fun. Burning things to save the environment?  One please.

Covanta (CVA) is a Waste-to-Energy company that burns household and commercial trash to create electricity- that’s Doc Emmet Brown levels of awesome. Leaving 10% of the original waste mass, with the rest converted to energy, reducing the carbon emissions of buried trash and the pollution of barges, and turning the patient stockholder a modest profit sounds like a must-have to me. Better still, it’s got a fairly cheap entry point with room to grow, presently around $15.55 on the NYSE.

You know who has incredible job security? Plumbers. Once the plunger fails and you realize the YouTube video that walked you through changing your water tank flush valve isn’t going to stop the leak coming out of your wall, you call in the pros.

Now extend that line of thinking. Water scarcity is a tangible issue as Sam Coleridge’s poem starts to be as true on land as on a ship, with only 4% of the world’s water being drinkable and hardly equitably distributed. Desalination and waste water recycling are getting attention from scarcity investors, but nobody’s getting rich just yet.  For a long call with affordable entry,  you might want to look at the plumbers of the industry.

Xylem Inc. (XYL) is hovering in the $50’s and these are the guys you call when you need to replace your sewage treatment valves and salt to freshwater pipes. They have a prolific product and service portfolio that covers the various cycles of water collection, distribution and treatment and asset management companies are taking notice of how these guys will be servicing a growth industry in the coming fun of the water shortage era. They that fix valuable shit are themselves, valuable – and a helluva lot more sturdy long term.  See:


Military Industrial Complex you say? Be nice to pocket some cash on the way out I guess.

Defense contractor Rockwell Collins (COL) got some attention back in September from John Persinos of back when it was hitting roughly $87 per share.

Persinos liked them for much the same reasons that I factor in when I take a look at an industry; these aren’t just guys churning out airplanes and missiles,  they’re the guys outfitting the war shit we already have with next generation tech essential to the cockpits and programming of our hardware.  I always like the dudes that the other dudes call when shit needs fixing.

It’s now closing out the year at a present $93.53 per share, a modest expense to rack up but I trust our government to make sure nobody in this industry goes hungry as we walk the razor’s edge with several potentially chilling conflicts in 2017 and onward. Consider that your average defense contractor share hits in the three figure range (CACI caught my attention as they rolled out a drone identification and tracking system alongside their other defense and aerospace products, but they start at a hefty $125.15 as of the time of writing, making COL a bargain by comparison to grab and hold for what promises to be a wild ride through some potentially awful shit.

Guns guns guns.

In our post-Trump world analysts thought gun sales (i.e. the gun panic) would freeze or lower stocks now that fears of regulation are swept away by a resoundingly Republican government.

But the 2nd Amendment doesn’t just work for conservatives, it allows for everyone to sustain a well-regulated militia and since we don’t have anything like that, people are now buying guns to weather the new storm of louder, crazier people now roaming the streets and the White House.

Liberals are buying guns and it shows.

The three gun companies trading in the market have all shown healthy increase in stock price and the new panic isn’t that you won’t be able to get a gun, it’s that, God help you, you’re gonna fucking need one, and Smith and Wesson (SWHC) at  $21.97, Sturm, Ruger (NYSE:RGR) at $53.50, and Vista Outdoor (NYSE:VSTO) at $38.27 are all showing strong, affordable heartbeats for the investor who maybe isn’t ready for the canned food but definitely wants the shotguns.

So that’s what I’ve got.  The world won’t end, really. The world will be just fine millions of years after humanity has had its chance but you have 60-90 years to throw a few bucks at something that might affect change one way or another (or not at all) and manufacture some gelt while doing it.

Or just hit up xhamster and buy hand lotion futures.

–Mark Dankel
Written By:

Chris Parry

A multi-Webster Award winner for excellence in BC journalism, Parry is the founder and publisher of Equity.Guru, which he built with the specific plan to blend old school reporting with stock promotion, in a way that puts the emphasis on truth, high standards, and ethics. Parry is a veteran of TV, radio, and print, and consults with public companies to help them figure out their storylines, lay down achievable milestones, and improve their communication with shareholders, while also posting regular deep dive analysis of companies in the public spotlight.

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